Light at the end

When I first started this blog I was on my way to getting my second divorce.  During the process I cried
screamed, yelled all in my private moments. I don't know if other women have had this feeling, even though I had and have all the support and love from family and friends I still find myself alone in my grieving  process.
   Well to update you all since I started and sorry I have not continued to write or update, any way its final now. Yahoo.!!! As anyone who has gotten divorced knows theres a grieving process. First denial- in my case I was yahooing burning my marriage licence and my Ketubah(jewish marital contract)  during the process, I was happy very spiritual and full of all kinds of inspiration.  Well, that was the denial stage, yup  I was denying myself of expressing my true feelings. Which are anger , depression outrage etc.    Then I was barging with myself, I kept saying when its over I am no longer going to be stuck I can continue on with my life. I am in a better place than I was the first time I got divorced.Well yes and kinda no.  My therapist the smart woman she is would probably have predicted this from me.
I think she is  psychic. Really its her years of experience treating my people for whatever reasons they come to her.
  Any way now that I am at the end of the barging stage I have bounced into depression. Yes folks  I am depressed. Why am I depressed after yahooing celebrating etc?  Both my marriages were abusive situations and one would say you  were so brave to leave etc. Yes and thank you. However they were relationship deaths.  No longer would I have someone to share my day with  snuggle or talk to. Not that they were into talking more like yelling stabbing me with angry words and popping my happy bubbles and balloons. After my therapy sessions to keep up the happy and to contemplate how I would use my new found voice tools and self esteem I would stay out for hours thinking shopping hanging out in parks just to keep the happy.  When it was time go I would grudgingly drive home knowing he would ask so, how was therapy.  I would say useful or productive. He would want more detail  but I would never give him the full truth. The sessions mostly were about how he verbally abused me what he said
how much it hurt etc.
  The other half was how I could get my revenge with self empowerment tools that my therapist gave me each session. I did use them but more often than not  he would throw them right back at me. So back into the tool box they would go then off I went screaming and yelling my diary. There were some pretty harsh words in there since it was the only place I had a voice.  Yup the man I married managed to silence me and more every time I spoke.   So either my therapist went home with a headache or   I took it out on me.   During the rough times, I chose to use every single diet pill on the market, plus walk my ass off for miles and miles at any park that had trails to walk or bike on.
A year ago when I left him, instead of walking or biking to keep  my butt  small I chose food to comfort  myself.    Yes food was my new lover and I blew up like a balloon and  thats not a good look for me a five foot two inch woman.  I won't tell my weight but I went  from looking like a lithe woman to curvaceous  lump of fat. Folks thats not a good thing.   So now that  I have bounced to the depression stage I've become tired not wanting to do the things I love to do. I am on medication, however medication is not an instant cure all or happy pill.  It only works along with therapy which is a process in its self. If any of you reading this blog  have been in therapy  you all know what I am talking about. If not know this that while medication helps  its not the only thing   for the road to recovery.
 At some point I will be at acceptance and when I do  I will celebrate for real.