Lena I hear you and I was like you in both my marriages. binging and throwing up and taking pills to loose. Both were very abusive and gave their two cents

Hi my name is Lena,

I  first got married at age 36, at that time I thought that I had found the man of my dreams. We were married in a very fancy wedding.  Things were happy for at least two years. In the third year the vale  came off and my first husband showed his true colors.  He was a true monster!!. I had no voice in my marriage. No matter how much I spoke up or had conversations with my first husband everything I said was  a joke. According to him I could not function without him.  I could not do anything without him.
During the marriage, I had gained a ton of weight. I lost 80 pounds on weight watchers then after I got to my goal,  I binged and purged  to keep my weight off. I did all the wrong things to get attention from my first. Along with the eating disorder, the abuse flew, he just yelled at me no matter what, Every time he came home I would shake, because  I never new what kind of mood he was in.  If he was happy  Thank G!!!  If he came home angry!! holly--------- its time to run and hide.  I took every thing  under the son to stay thin.  The night I left,  I felt a tap from G and I took that chance and drove away and never looked back.
   During the separation, my first tried to woo me back, I was weak but I had to hold strong, knowing why I left the bastard, I had to remain strong to  keep my sanity, I had to remain strong to become stronger.
  After the divorce was done, life was not quite  going smoothly yet. I had gained a ton of weight and got more and more depressed.  Then one day I got so angry, I threw all the food out of my house and did not eat for a year. I was not hungry at all. What did I live on you all ask? I lived on protein drinks and coffee.  Did I loose yes but not as much I wanted but I did loose.
         During this time I entered therapy, I told my therapist  all about the divorce and the lack of food.
My therapist at the time wasn't exactly, thrilled but he understood. During the sessions, I would beat my self up about  why I married an ass and why I put up with his stuff.  After a few years of therapy, I was ready to date,  so after a bunch of frogs, I met my second husband, whom I thought was a breath of fresh air.  He was  the light of my life at the time, I could not imagine my life without him.  However, the writing was on the wall during our dating period, why did I go through with it? Because I  thought I wasn't in the marriage to fix him but I ended up trying to fix it.  Husband two, blamed me for everything that went wrong in the marriage, he would be little me in front of his kids, he would hardly acknowelege my presence,  or make room for me in his life. He was not the most supportive husband, I  had wanted to start a small business at home but ex two Screamed at the top of his lungs, totally ruining my happiness  and excitement.  He also through some verbal gut punches, like I regret marrying you, I can't relate to you etc. Totally ignoring his lack of interest in me and blaming me for any  and all the disfunction in our marriage.
  What was the final straw?  It was in November of this year, we were going to purchase a big ticket item, one night he went off on me giving his two cents about what the consequences would be if I did not think of him in the decision.

Light at the end

When I first started this blog I was on my way to getting my second divorce.  During the process I cried
screamed, yelled all in my private moments. I don't know if other women have had this feeling, even though I had and have all the support and love from family and friends I still find myself alone in my grieving  process.
   Well to update you all since I started and sorry I have not continued to write or update, any way its final now. Yahoo.!!! As anyone who has gotten divorced knows theres a grieving process. First denial- in my case I was yahooing burning my marriage licence and my Ketubah(jewish marital contract)  during the process, I was happy very spiritual and full of all kinds of inspiration.  Well, that was the denial stage, yup  I was denying myself of expressing my true feelings. Which are anger , depression outrage etc.    Then I was barging with myself, I kept saying when its over I am no longer going to be stuck I can continue on with my life. I am in a better place than I was the first time I got divorced.Well yes and kinda no.  My therapist the smart woman she is would probably have predicted this from me.
I think she is  psychic. Really its her years of experience treating my people for whatever reasons they come to her.
  Any way now that I am at the end of the barging stage I have bounced into depression. Yes folks  I am depressed. Why am I depressed after yahooing celebrating etc?  Both my marriages were abusive situations and one would say you  were so brave to leave etc. Yes and thank you. However they were relationship deaths.  No longer would I have someone to share my day with  snuggle or talk to. Not that they were into talking more like yelling stabbing me with angry words and popping my happy bubbles and balloons. After my therapy sessions to keep up the happy and to contemplate how I would use my new found voice tools and self esteem I would stay out for hours thinking shopping hanging out in parks just to keep the happy.  When it was time go I would grudgingly drive home knowing he would ask so, how was therapy.  I would say useful or productive. He would want more detail  but I would never give him the full truth. The sessions mostly were about how he verbally abused me what he said
how much it hurt etc.
  The other half was how I could get my revenge with self empowerment tools that my therapist gave me each session. I did use them but more often than not  he would throw them right back at me. So back into the tool box they would go then off I went screaming and yelling my diary. There were some pretty harsh words in there since it was the only place I had a voice.  Yup the man I married managed to silence me and more every time I spoke.   So either my therapist went home with a headache or   I took it out on me.   During the rough times, I chose to use every single diet pill on the market, plus walk my ass off for miles and miles at any park that had trails to walk or bike on.
A year ago when I left him, instead of walking or biking to keep  my butt  small I chose food to comfort  myself.    Yes food was my new lover and I blew up like a balloon and  thats not a good look for me a five foot two inch woman.  I won't tell my weight but I went  from looking like a lithe woman to curvaceous  lump of fat. Folks thats not a good thing.   So now that  I have bounced to the depression stage I've become tired not wanting to do the things I love to do. I am on medication, however medication is not an instant cure all or happy pill.  It only works along with therapy which is a process in its self. If any of you reading this blog  have been in therapy  you all know what I am talking about. If not know this that while medication helps  its not the only thing   for the road to recovery.
 At some point I will be at acceptance and when I do  I will celebrate for real.