Lena I hear you and I was like you in both my marriages. binging and throwing up and taking pills to loose. Both were very abusive and gave their two cents

Hi my name is Lena,

I  first got married at age 36, at that time I thought that I had found the man of my dreams. We were married in a very fancy wedding.  Things were happy for at least two years. In the third year the vale  came off and my first husband showed his true colors.  He was a true monster!!. I had no voice in my marriage. No matter how much I spoke up or had conversations with my first husband everything I said was  a joke. According to him I could not function without him.  I could not do anything without him.
During the marriage, I had gained a ton of weight. I lost 80 pounds on weight watchers then after I got to my goal,  I binged and purged  to keep my weight off. I did all the wrong things to get attention from my first. Along with the eating disorder, the abuse flew, he just yelled at me no matter what, Every time he came home I would shake, because  I never new what kind of mood he was in.  If he was happy  Thank G!!!  If he came home angry!! holly--------- its time to run and hide.  I took every thing  under the son to stay thin.  The night I left,  I felt a tap from G and I took that chance and drove away and never looked back.
   During the separation, my first tried to woo me back, I was weak but I had to hold strong, knowing why I left the bastard, I had to remain strong to  keep my sanity, I had to remain strong to become stronger.
  After the divorce was done, life was not quite  going smoothly yet. I had gained a ton of weight and got more and more depressed.  Then one day I got so angry, I threw all the food out of my house and did not eat for a year. I was not hungry at all. What did I live on you all ask? I lived on protein drinks and coffee.  Did I loose yes but not as much I wanted but I did loose.
         During this time I entered therapy, I told my therapist  all about the divorce and the lack of food.
My therapist at the time wasn't exactly, thrilled but he understood. During the sessions, I would beat my self up about  why I married an ass and why I put up with his stuff.  After a few years of therapy, I was ready to date,  so after a bunch of frogs, I met my second husband, whom I thought was a breath of fresh air.  He was  the light of my life at the time, I could not imagine my life without him.  However, the writing was on the wall during our dating period, why did I go through with it? Because I  thought I wasn't in the marriage to fix him but I ended up trying to fix it.  Husband two, blamed me for everything that went wrong in the marriage, he would be little me in front of his kids, he would hardly acknowelege my presence,  or make room for me in his life. He was not the most supportive husband, I  had wanted to start a small business at home but ex two Screamed at the top of his lungs, totally ruining my happiness  and excitement.  He also through some verbal gut punches, like I regret marrying you, I can't relate to you etc. Totally ignoring his lack of interest in me and blaming me for any  and all the disfunction in our marriage.
  What was the final straw?  It was in November of this year, we were going to purchase a big ticket item, one night he went off on me giving his two cents about what the consequences would be if I did not think of him in the decision.